Tuesday, January 31, 2012


The new film from actor, writer and director Bobcat Goldthwait is destined to be detested by family and religious groups everywhere and not just because the title of the film is God Bless America.  

The film centers around a loveless, jobless and possibly terminally ill man named Frank. He decides he's had enough. So he travels to the home of a spoiled brat featured on an MTV styled Sweet Sixteen show and -- he shoots her.  What follows is an extremely dark, but hilarious comedy that explores the world through the eyes of a man with no impulse control and nothing left to lose. 

Bobcat Goldthwait is not afraid to make the kind of films most people will run away from.  Shakes the Clown was his homage to drunken, degenerate clowns.  Sleeping Dogs Lie is about a woman who admits she once experimented with bestiality and World's Greatest Dad is about a loser father who attempts to grab the brass ring on the back of his son's tragic death.  He's reinvented the family comedy by blowing it up and making movies about the parts that remain. 

Frank is played by actor Joel Murray who has played a variety of character roles, most recently in the Showtime show Shameless as a sexually repressed, religious zealot who kills himself over his slutty daughter's inability to conform to his beliefs.


I, for one, can't wait for the protests to begin.  I have a strange feeling, Bobcat feels the same way.

Monday, January 30, 2012


Yes.  Men hate the retail store Anthropologie.  More specifically, they hate going inside.  They also hate waiting outside the store because their spouses and girlfriends enter and disappear into a time warp that makes them blissfully unaware the rest of the world still exists.

Is it the old-timey bars of soap?  The signs written in French that tell you where the bathroom is?  Maybe it's the lacy clothes that only your girlfriend's hippie aunt from Topanga would wear.  In the end, we hate it because of its effectiveness in drawing women like a super magnet.

I used to feel the same about the way the Williams-Sonoma store would lure women in with the promise the freshly baked pumpkin spice muffins, only to deliver overpriced kitchen tools and rosemary focaccia bread mixes that sit on the counter and never ever get made.

Damn you Anthropolgie.  Damn you and your Terracotta Chess Sets.  And damn your $2,100 painting easel with paint splotches already spattered on the wood.


I have decided to start a new feature on the blog called Hipster Crime Beat.  It will shine a spotlight on idiotic things hipsters do.  I will endeavor to keep an eye open for new and annoying hipsters trends.

The first stop.  Bearded Beanies.

You all have permission to shoot me if I ever decide to wear one of these abominations.  If you can't grow a beard, then a fake one made of yarn is not going to help you look cool.

The theory behind this cutesy invention is facial warmth, but seeing them just makes me want to punch someone.  Still, I am probably in the minority here.  Plenty of people think this is a cool idea and will want to own their very own Bearded Beanie.

I won't stand in your way.  I won't stop you.  I will, however, reserve the right to make fun of you.  Click here for an assortment of way to toss away your self respect.


Saturday, January 28, 2012


This is by far one of the most hilarious headlines I've seen in a while.  In short, the NBC show Fear Factor, which made the consumption of pig uteruses, bull testicles and giant bug larvae a regular feature of the show has possibly reached the edge of "bad taste" (pun intended).

This week's episode was to have contestants guzzle a mug of donkey semen AND donkey urine to advance to the next round of competition.  Yes, donkey semen.  That people would agree to do this for a chance at $50,000 is scary enough.  That this is what makes up primetime television?  That's a horse of a different color.

Call me crazy, but if I guzzle a mug of donkey semen, I would expect the first of many $50,000 checks to arrive immediately.  Imagine you're a contestant and lose that week.  "Yeah, I drank the donkey spunk and donkey piss, but I still lost.  I guess I had fun, tho..."   BLLLLLOOOORGHHH!

Check out the TMZ story below...

Friday, January 27, 2012



Why don't you be the judge.  Scroll down for the mothership.

Galaga Starships
Typical Mormon Temple


Evan and Gareth Save the World! (Pilot) from Payman Benz on Vimeo.

This is an awesome MTV pilot from 2010 starring Evan Mann and Gareth Reynolds.  It skillfully satirizes the idiocy of mainstream America.  Shame this never had a life on air.

Thursday, January 26, 2012


Aren't I hot?
Okay, not really, but the world is just that fucked up that someone out there will look at Demi Moore's emaciated body and think, "that's what I need to do!"

No, you don't actually.  Just ask Steve-O.

It's not as fun and sexy as it appears on the the side of the Ready Whip can.


Actor Vincent Pastore, best known for his portrayal of Big Pussy on the Sopranos has endorsed a product called The Broccoli Wad.  Yes, the Broccoli Wad.  Advertised as the "Ultimate Money Band," the Broccoli Wad is a basically --  a rubber band.  The kind of rubber band used by grocery stores to band together wads of broccoli.  Hence, the title.  Broccoli Wad.

The Broccoli Wad will cost you ten bucks plus shipping and handling.  A wad of broccoli, however, will cost you $2.50 a pound.  The produce band that keeps it together?  Free.

I don't bemoan Vincent Pastore's ability to support himself, but he has single handedly watered down the Mafioso brand by becoming a clown to hawk "wise guy" type products.

What would be worse is if he did a radio show and called it The Wise Guy Show.  That would embarrassing.  Oh wait.   He did that already on Sirius XM radio.  

Here's a commercial for the Broccoli Wad.  It's been auto-tuned to make it hip and exciting.  Ha.


On January 26th, 1973, actor Edward G. Robinson died from cancer at the age of 79.  Despite being well known for playing gangsters and hard men throughout his career, Robinson was a kind and generous man and beloved by everyone.

Born Emanuel Goldenberg in 1893, he changed his name to Edward G. Robinson after attending the American Academy of Dramatic Arts.  He began a career on Broadway with small roles that eventually led to feature films.

Rico in Little Caesar
It was his portrayal of tough guy Caesar Enrico Bandello that became the archetype for the 20th century American gangster.  The role was followed by numerous gangster roles, including the character of Johnny Rocco opposite Humphrey Bogart in Key Largo.

Johnny Rocco in Key Largo
He appeared in a hundred or so films and tried to take on a variety of different roles.  His portrayal of Wolf Larsen in The Sea Wolf is thought by many to be an academy award worthy performance, but Robinson was never nominated during his long and storied career despite great turns in dozens of films.

Wolf Larsen in Sea Wolf
He was called to testify in front of the House of Un-American Activities Committee to answer for allegations of communist ties. His name was eventually cleared, but in the aftermath he was relegated to B-movie titles and his career languished as a result.

In 1956, Cecil B Demille cast him as Dathan in the Ten Commandments.   A role that pulled him back up to the majors, but a role that many still feel he was terribly miscast for.  In the sixties, he had an amazing resurgence with films like My Geisha with Yves Montand and Shirley MacClaine and The Cincinnati Kid playing opposite mega star Steve McQueen.

In My Geisha
His last film in 1973 was Soylent Green.  His body was already racked with cancer, but he told no one on the film that he was sick.  At least not at first.  When the final euthanasia scene with Charleston Heston was ready to be shot, Robinson admitted to Heston that he had cancer and probably had weeks to live, it's said the tears Heston shed in the film were genuine.

Soylent Green

Edward G. Robinson died twelve days later.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012


"I don't ever feel guilty because it comes from  - it's God's blessing on my life.  And for me to apologize for  God's - how God has blessed you, it's almost an insult to our god."

This, from Joel Osteen, the king of what he calls, "The Prosperity Gospel," where wealth and power are God's rewards for pious Christians.

Osteen preaches this message from his mega church in Houston, Texas.  The Lakewood Church is a 16,800 seat arena (formerly the Compaq Center) that was once the home of the Houston Rockets and served as a sports arena for the 29 years prior to the Lakewood Church's residency there.

God wants you to have hots dogs. 
What is the prosperity gospel and why is it becoming so popular?

Here's the short version.  The prosperity gospel is a new interpretation of the bible that believes that wealth and success are in accordance with God's laws.  Mankind has a contract with God that, if followed, results in the fulfillment of god's promise to us.  Believers are encouraged to make "positive confessions" that vocalize the things they want from god.  In return, they agree to honor God's laws, share your wealth with others and live a good life.

Sounds good, right?  A lot of people think so.  There's a reason Joel Osteen's church is in a former sport's arena.  People go to his mega church and come out feeling good about themselves.  They feel positive about their place in the world.  What's wrong with that?

It's getting brimstone all up in here!
Well, critics of the prosperity gospel say this new interpretation does not emphasize the proliferation of sin and its effects on the spiritual salvation of mankind.  Scripture isn't cited enough.  The's not enough fire and brimstone.  Fingers aren't pointed at people.  There is a general lack of humility.

That about covers it.
Joel Osteen claims to be an evangelical, but his colleagues believe he is twisting scripture.  Even in interviews, Osteen steers away from talking about sin and sidesteps most evangelical hot buttons like abortion, homosexuality and contraception.  He knows what works for him and he's not about to change.

He is kind of the anti-preacher.  He doesn't want you to feel bad.  He doesn't ask for money.  He wants you to be successful.  My catholic guilt just can't understand this.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with winding people up with lots and positivity and sending them on their way.  I don't subscribe to his religious beliefs, but hey, the man isn't picketing the funerals of American soldiers.

"God's running outta stuff to hate."


Tuesday, January 24, 2012



In the event that anyone else is creeped out by the proliferation of MiO Liquid Water Enhancer, I thought I would have a deeper look into this product to see if my instinctual concerns are unfounded.

It's advertised as a remote control of fruit flavors where you can decide how much you want your water "enhanced."

And to that end you have choices.  MiO comes in six different fruit flavors.  Berry Pomegranate, Sweet Tea, Peach Tea, Mango Peach, Strawberry Watermelon and Fruit Punch.  You are encouraged to experiment with these flavors by mixing them into unique concoctions of your own making.

I'll be honest.  It's all very unsettling to me.  Listen, I'm no health nut.  I love to drink soda -- and not the diet kind.  Soda is horrible, but at least I am not in control of the formula.  I don't want to know how the sausage is made.  This control option places far too much liability on the consumer.  We are idiots.  We have no common sense.

And if you don't believe me, go to the MiO website.  One of their FAQs is whether you can drink MiO straight out of the bottle!

When the side effects hit, and yes, there are side effects, the makers of MiO will simply say, you must have misused the product.  You squeezed too much.  You "over-enhanced" your water.  No, no -- this does not sit well with me at all.

So, what is it?  Besides, you know, food coloring...

The third most prominent ingredient next to water (1) and malic acid (2) is propylene glycol.  The actual fruit flavoring part doesn't kick in until the fifth ingredient, but let's stick with propylene glycol.

What is propylene glycol?

In short, it's a form of alcohol.  It's a colorless, flammable liquid produced by the fermentation of yeast and carbohydrates.  This particular form of alcohol is used mainly as a solvent.  A solvent.

It's known health effects include:  eye irritation, skin drying and something called "defatting."  And that's only if you get it on your skin.  If you ingest it you may suffer throat irritation, headache, backache, kidney problems, edema and necrosis.  Some studies site slurred speech, stupor, vomiting, respiratory failure, coma and death.

Now, I know what you're saying.  Propylene glycol ingested in such small amounts surely couldn't cause the kind of harm I'm suggesting and you'd probably be right.  It's just that the lion share of products that use this ingredient are not for internal consumption.

Mostly, it's used in hydraulic fluid, brake fluid and anti-freeze.  It's cosmetics, shampoos, deodorants.  It's aftershaves and baby wipes.  This is what the third ingredient in MiO is usually used for.

This is beyond the carnuba wax found on the candy coated shells of Boston Baked Beans or Lemonheads.  No, this is way beyond that. My instincts tell me to stay the hell away from this stuff so that's what I'll do.  

In any case, the rest of the world seems to like it.  My personal poll of MiO users came back positively or flavor and ease of use.  The MiO website even asks its customers to suggest new flavors for them to produce.

MiO, right?  No, hydraulic fluid!

As for me, I'll stick with the devil I know...  

Monday, January 23, 2012


Yes.  JoPa has died.  Penn State's most winningest football coach has died from lung cancer.  He was 85.  There's no question that the cancer that raged through Paterno's body was not helped by the stress and emotional turmoil surrounding the Jerry Sandusky sex abuse scandal that placed the coach at the center of a firestorm of controversy over his own lack of moral judgement.  Did the man whose motto was "Winning with honor" disgrace himself by not doing enough to protect the youngest and most vulnerable among us?

We may never know the full story, but the coach's passing is just another sad turn in what will surely become the greatest fall from grace in sport's history.  No single achievement -- and there are many -- will be enough to outshine the dark spot that will accompany every obituary, book or biography concerning Joe Paterno's amazing and storied career.

It's nothing short of a tragedy that this is the end to a man that was once so admired and beloved to all that came in contact with him.  

His family offered this statement...

"He died as he lived," the statement said. "He fought hard until the end, stayed positive, thought only of others and constantly reminded everyone of how blessed his life had been. His ambitions were far reaching, but he never believed he had to leave this Happy Valley to achieve them. He was a man devoted to his family, his university, his players and his community."

Then again...