Wednesday, February 29, 2012



From time to time, it becomes necessary to replace your angry chair.  This is no simple task.  It's not something you can delegate to someone.  It's a personal matter that can only be accomplished on your own.

For those of you who are unlearned in the ways of the "Angry Chair," I will endeavor to explain it.  It is simply a chair you retire to when you are inconsolably pissed off.  It's not used by the mildly annoyed or the adequately perturbed.  The angry chair is strictly for when you are so angry, you cannot speak.  At a minimum, it is a comfy place to lick your wounds.  At best, it is a mighty throne from which to wield your hatred.

It's where, admittedly, murder plots are hatched and revenge plans are dreamt up.  It also could be argued, it's where lives are saved.  Having a place to have your anger could in fact help it to dissipate, peter out and transmute into something less motivating.  It is for this reason the selection of this object is of great importance to its user.  
Here are a few tips to help in your search.

1. Be prepared to splurge.  Price should be of little concern to you.  Finding the right chair could cost you nothing.  It might be out of your price range.  The point is, the angry chair is not necessarily a sale item.  It just is.  Take it as you find it.  When you know it's the right one, go for it.

2. Comfort is king.  Of all the variables involved -- look, color, size -- the feel of the chair is the most important.  Why?  Because circumstances may choose to put you in the angry chair for an extended period of time.  You need to be comfortable.  It has to be the last thing on your mind.  It's why most angry chairs are ugly as sin.  

3. Own it.  Never borrow or use another's angry chair.  I can't stress this enough.  The chair must be your own.  That doesn't mean you can't sit in that chair, it just can't be used as an angry chair.  There are pseudo-scientific reasons for this, but let's just say you don't want your Uncle Murray's hateful energies co-mingling with yours.

4. Don't repair it.  Angry chairs can only be replaced.  Do not allow your spouse or girlfriend to reupholster your angry chair or throw a bed sheet over it.  It is an expression of your anger and covering it up with a sheet will likely cause you to suppress your anger.  Bad.  

5. No animals.  Dogs and cats are sensitive to your energies and will attempt to diffuse or transmute that energy by sleeping, sitting or scratching at your angry chair.  This cannot be let to stand.  Animals are encouraged to stay away from the chair so it can remain an extension of your emotional vitriol.  

Other than that, you just need to be patient.  You'll find it and once you do, you won't regret it!  


He's grumpy on the outside and slightly racist in the middle.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012



McDonald's is introducing a new abomination to their menu.  It's a six dollar McBaguette.  It comes with two long burger slabs, swiss cheese, lettuce and mustard sauce on a crispy, er, baguette.  I'm going to guess that focus groups have determined that McDonald's customers are starting to acquire more sophisticated tastes.  This is probably their answer to that.  This is what they think their customers will see as outre and fancy.  It makes you wonder how stupid they think people are.  The answer is pretty stupid.  They stamp out pork byproduct in the shape of ribs and convince people they are eating southern food.

The McRib -- pre-sauce
Will the McBaguette show up at your local McDonald's chain?  Maybe.  1226 franchises will be testing this thing.  For a limited time only.  Then, if we're lucky, it will retreat back to France.  

Monday, February 27, 2012



Hipsters love to tell you how small their life is.  They can pack up all of their stuff and move in under an hour.  I'm speaking, of course, of their outer life.  Their inner life, they will tell you, is rich and full and overflowing with nuggets of culture you haven't even begun to think about.

So, a new trend has emerged.  Taking photos with your small outer life.  It smacks of pretension.  I don't like it.  No, sir.  I don't like it one bit.  


The 84th Annual Oscar's telecast failed to inspire, even with the return of Billy Crystal as host.  There were little surprises, few jokes that hit their mark and a long suffering crowd that tried to pretend they were still happy that Billy was back.

As a fan of cinema, I make it a point to watch the Oscars.  It is the only awards show left that still manages to hold the illusion of prestige, despite the fact that Harvey Weinstein has repeatedly proven that the award can be bought.  So, every year I tune in and every year I am a little bit more disappointed.

Worse still, is the glaring fact that the academy is completely out of touch with both the world of cinema and the industry that props it up.  The academy's members are basically old white males.  77% are male, 86% are over the age of 50 and 94% are white.  This group picks the winners and losers every year, but I can't think of anybody less hip.  These are the tastemakers?

Well, in the end, the telecast was mostly dull.  The only funny moments were the attempts by presenters to deconstruct and subvert the proceedings in their own personal way.  Will Ferrell and Zach Galifinakis clanged cymbals onstage in what appeared to be an attempt to over emphasize the false hype and self congratulatory nature of the show.  Emma Stone perfectly skewered the show's tired habit of giving presenters, canned, pre-written banter than usually falls flat.  These were the moments that felt genuine because they were trying to tell the truth.

The most honest moment was Octavia Spencer's acceptance speech that ended in tears.  She was clearly overcome by the moment and it felt powerful because her performance actually merited the award.

Otherwise?  Meh.



Sunday, February 26, 2012


Saturday, February 25, 2012


88 year old Johnny Barnes is known as a purveyor of happiness.  He stands on a corner in his native Bermuda for six hours a day and shouts, "I love you!"  He's so well liked, a statue of him was erected in his honor.

They call him Mr. Happy Man, but it has been my experience that any extreme behavior or personality masks a deep duality that can strike at any moment.  It's why people like Tony Soprano could kill at the drop of a hat, but cried over ducks swimming in his pool.

Maybe Johnny Barnes is your classic, "crying on the inside" kind of clown.  Maybe deep down inside him, under all the "I love you's" and "god bless'" he's a powder keg of unexpressed rage.

And before you ask, yes, I am just that cynical.  I'm not saying he's a bad guy.  By all accounts, he's a very pleasant man with a kind heart, but no one is always happy and no one is always sad.  If following the middle path means anything, it says you can smile at your neighbors when you see them, but more importantly, you can tell them to turn down their goddamn tv when they're watching their music shows.

There's a new documentary coming out about Mr. Happy Man.  I'm sure there's a dark side to all of this and to him -- the happiest man alive.



Recently, it was reported that Jewish teenager and holocaust victim Anne Frank was posthumously baptized into the Mormon faith (most recently) during a ceremony in the Dominican Republic.  I say recently because she has gone through this strange Mormon ritual at least a half a dozen times since her death.

The Mormon Church has since announced that it will no longer posthumously baptize victims of the holocaust, but reports continue to stream in that this process is continuing in earnest.

Mormon Baptismal Font
It begs the question.  What's that all about?

Mormons believe that a dead person that has not been baptized (as Mormon) shouldn't be punished in the afterlife without the opportunity to enter the kingdom of heaven.  So, certain specified Mormon temples baptize the dead by proxy where a person stands in for the deceased so the ceremony can be completed.

Seems a bit wonky.  There has been a lot of discussion about the pros and cons of this practice within the Mormon faith, but nothing has ever been done about it.  Nothing short of agreeing not to do it when people voice their outrage.

I guess some jews take offense when they hear that the Mormons don't think being rounded up and gassed by Nazis because of their faith is good enough to earn a ticket to heaven.  Geez, when I put it that way I guess I'm more incensed than I was before I started this post!

Believe me when I tell you, this is probably the least creepy thing about the Mormon religion.

In any case, I thought you might find it interesting to learn some of the other famous dead people that were sent to Planet Mormon after the fact.









Friday, February 24, 2012



Thursday, February 23, 2012


There is a culinary apocalypse upon us and its name is Deep Fried Mac & Cheese!  I'm not against deep frying, but there is something evolutionarily out of step with this food abomination.  It's as if rich fatty cheese sauce and starchy pasta noodles aren't good enough so you have to bread them and dunk them in a vat of grease.

This has nothing to do with how good it tastes -- or bad.  It's just a bridge too far and everyone knows it.  Like it says in the good book.  A man shall not lay with macaroni and cheese as he lays with breaded fish sticks.

I feel like this takes us back a few steps.  Not so far back that we're eating our own shit, but you know -- close to that.  Maybe you think the idea of deep frying cubes of butter and Twinkies and Snicker's bars is fantastic, but that isn't helping your case.  It's out of step with evolution and therefore shall be categorized as -- CULINARY DEVO.  

Here, I can prove it.  I found an expert witness to support my claims.  





His real name is William "Billy" Zabka, but he left his indelible mark on our brains for his exquisite performances as the quintessential "asshole" in classic 80's movies.

He played uber jerk Greg Tolan in the gender bending comedy Just one of the Guys.

He played the aptly named jerk Chas in the Rodney Dangerfield film Back to School.
He is, however, best known for his portrayal of martial arts bully Johnny Lawrence in the original Karate Kid.

This guy was so good at being an asshole, I actually hated him.  Hell, I still hate him and I don't even know him. He was smarmy, with good looks and embodied everything I despised growing up.  Of course, there was no context.  It was before you grow up and find out the hot bitchy girl in fiftH grade was actually living out a sad tragic life at home and her ability to be queen bee at school was the only way to prevent the complete annihilation of her ego.

So, I just want to take a moment to give Billy Zabka all the credit he deserves for becoming a lightning rod for all of our hatred as teenagers in the 80's.  At least, my hatred.