Wednesday, February 29, 2012

CHOOSING AN ANGRY CHAIR


From time to time, it becomes necessary to replace your angry chair.  This is no simple task.  It's not something you can delegate to someone.  It's a personal matter that can only be accomplished on your own.

For those of you who are unlearned in the ways of the "Angry Chair," I will endeavor to explain it.  It is simply a chair you retire to when you are inconsolably pissed off.  It's not used by the mildly annoyed or the adequately perturbed.  The angry chair is strictly for when you are so angry, you cannot speak.  At a minimum, it is a comfy place to lick your wounds.  At best, it is a mighty throne from which to wield your hatred.


It's where, admittedly, murder plots are hatched and revenge plans are dreamt up.  It also could be argued, it's where lives are saved.  Having a place to have your anger could in fact help it to dissipate, peter out and transmute into something less motivating.  It is for this reason the selection of this object is of great importance to its user.  
Here are a few tips to help in your search.

1. Be prepared to splurge.  Price should be of little concern to you.  Finding the right chair could cost you nothing.  It might be out of your price range.  The point is, the angry chair is not necessarily a sale item.  It just is.  Take it as you find it.  When you know it's the right one, go for it.

2. Comfort is king.  Of all the variables involved -- look, color, size -- the feel of the chair is the most important.  Why?  Because circumstances may choose to put you in the angry chair for an extended period of time.  You need to be comfortable.  It has to be the last thing on your mind.  It's why most angry chairs are ugly as sin.  

3. Own it.  Never borrow or use another's angry chair.  I can't stress this enough.  The chair must be your own.  That doesn't mean you can't sit in that chair, it just can't be used as an angry chair.  There are pseudo-scientific reasons for this, but let's just say you don't want your Uncle Murray's hateful energies co-mingling with yours.

4. Don't repair it.  Angry chairs can only be replaced.  Do not allow your spouse or girlfriend to reupholster your angry chair or throw a bed sheet over it.  It is an expression of your anger and covering it up with a sheet will likely cause you to suppress your anger.  Bad.  

5. No animals.  Dogs and cats are sensitive to your energies and will attempt to diffuse or transmute that energy by sleeping, sitting or scratching at your angry chair.  This cannot be let to stand.  Animals are encouraged to stay away from the chair so it can remain an extension of your emotional vitriol.  

Other than that, you just need to be patient.  You'll find it and once you do, you won't regret it!  







2 comments:

  1. I once participated in putting someone's chair in a tree and then lighting it on fire. I think that was the other kind of angry chair.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nothing beats having your own angry chair!

      Delete